Most Secret Acts


I am sitting here… (I always seem to be sitting don’t I?)

Watching a Closet Booger Eater (CBE)…

2…in fact.

 They look related, but one is younger than the other.

I don’t know what’s tougher. Trying to avoid being detected observing a CBE in their natural habitat, or being a CBE trying to elude observation while indulging in their lust for nasal epicure.

It’s a toss up.

Both require a high level of skill and subterfuge.

Watcher: Optimal use of peripheral vision

CBE: Scary skills in hand to…nose coordination.

For ease of use in this documentary, we will assign YCBE to the younger transgressor of the nasal pilfering, and OCBE to the older (craftier) transgressor.

The boogers will be identified as…the Package (PKG).

YCBE has no skills. As with the majority of off-spring related to most animalia (all genus, families…etc.,) they learn watching and imitating the elder of their species. This is a proven fact. But with booger ingestion…this is a skill that has as much acceptance in nature as say…being a psychopath.

It is “handed” down from generation to generation. I just noticed the pun…forgive me.

An heirloom…so to say.

Okay…back to the Bat Cave (I always wanted to say that).

Visualize: YCBE and OCBE are sitting in a corner booth of Denny’s across from each other, but both facing the entries into the restaurant…like highly trained operatives. Remember Wild Bill Hickock? Never Ever…sit with your back to the door!

YCBE has no skills yet…he has no concept of etiquette. He is only doing what he has seen done.

He has no precision, no artful misdirection.

He goes for the gold…finds it….mines it… and prepares to refine it.

YCBE looks at the PKG. He looks around…not to see if anyone is watching, but, because He’s seen it done.

The PKG is then rolled and compressed by his fingers into the density of Iridium.

An atomic weight of approximately…well, a lot.

I am beholding the oldest form of recycling known to man. National Geographic should see this….

Nasal Osmosis. It’s scientific.

There is no pomp. There is no ceremony.

Plop! Right in the old pie hole it goes! (There is no guilt)

I appreciate the direct approach.

I appreciate the innocence of not knowing any better.

Turning my peripheral vision (stealthily) toward OCBE, never once interrupting the distribution of scrambled eggs into my portal of Yum, I watch OCBE.

I know he has seen YCBE. Sensed it.

The urge has been triggered…like a yawn… amongst CBE sufferers.

It is highly contagious.

OCBE has already scoped his surroundings.

He knows how many people are in the restaurant.

He knows how many coffee cups are stacked behind the counter…and which ones were actually washed with soap.

He has already determined that the sunlight coming through the early morning blinds is keeping him in shadow from most angles.

Nasal Ninja.

This guy is good.

But…I am better.

OCBE does the classic (over-used I believe) tactic of actually picking up a napkin…and with both hands…looks like he’s about to blow his nose.

But he doesn’t.

I saw the right index finger disappear…like a cobra strike. Then re-appear.

As OCBE continued to “wipe” his nose, his PKG bearing finger stayed aloof from the others, like sipping from a pretty tea cup. (Jeez I’m getting weird)

Placing the napkin on the table…he rubs his hands together…looking at YCBE, he say’s “Let’s eat”… (I’m gonna hurl by now…peripheral vision be damned!)

I have to watch. I have to see.

This Master…

OCBE has now put the napkin in his lap. He is no longer favoring the index finger.

I have lost track of the PKG!!…JEDI MASTER!!


Right before OCBE picks up his fork, he turns to YCBE…puts his hand to his mouth and gives a small cough….

Are you seeing this now?

This is my summation:

When OCBE rubs his hands together…he not only dislodges the PKG from its perch…he’s transferred it to his palms.

Kinda like Play-Do. (You see now…don’t you?)

When the dirty bastard lifted his fist to his mouth to cough…He sucked the PKG into his face!

I know he did it.

YCBE is watching him the whole time. Learning…soaking it up, like a sponge.

OCBE grins…and picks up a piece of bacon.

He eats the bacon.

He’s smiling at YCBE.

I guess most people are right…

 Bacon makes everything better.

(NOTE TO SELF: Throw away Bacon-bits)

About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

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