13 Comments

Oh Crap!!

Image

There are some things in this world of mine…and probably others…that bother me.
I will give you a quick perspective into what I mean.
As you get older there are things on your body that begin to decline…and just plain fall off.
Your hair gets thinner or takes up permanent resident status with your brush, or a comb in my case.
The toe nails and finger nails change their molecular structures and become possible projectiles.
Skin becomes drier and looser thus causing the application of numerous chemical compounds in order to prevent friction and/or possible fire, and the chance of causing cancer and/or addiction.
Joints pop. Back pops. Neck pops. Fingers pop. Toes pop.
Yes…I have become Sir Pops-a-Lot.
I am not obese. I am heavy of course, DUE TO THE FACT that I have no will power at all where Wendy’s or Taco Bell is concerned.
I am a genetically engineered consumer of fast foods.
A poor man that is dependant upon salt, sugar and fat…and Pepsi…and Bud Light…and…other stuff I can’t recall
I am a devotee of Yellow #5 and Mono-Sodium Glutamate.
It’s sad…I agree.
I wonder if the parts of my body that are becoming useless, saggy, or just in the way, is caused by my lifestyle?
I know it is really, but denial is all I have left that is mine.
I have also come to the realization, (for it is evident) that I am a closet Hypochondriac. I have not “come” out yet.
I get little “ghost pains” and twinges, blinks, twitches and throbbing that occur for no reason…well, you know what I mean.
I can be sitting, or standing or basically breathing when I will get one of these.
Hell…I can’t even vegetate on my couch in a potatoic repose!
Here’s what happens in my brain:

  • A pain in my calf: “Oh crap! I’ve got a blood clot! [No ER]
  • A pain in my bicep: “Holy crap! I’ve got a blood clot!” [No ER]
  • A pain in my right side: “Oh crap! I’ve got appendicitis…or a blood clot”! [No ER]
  • A pain in my left side: “Holy Shit! I’m having a heart attack!” [Think about ER]
  • A headache is “definitely an aneurysm”. [No ER]
  • A bad visit to Taco Bell or Wendy’s: “Holy Hannah, I’ve got E Coli #2435261!” [No toilet paper]

I am getting so tired of these little pains and hypochondriatic spells…shit falling out…falling off…hanging off and just plain unpleasant to look at, or even smell.
That’s right…smell!
There are odors that escape from my body that I KNOW can only be caused by dead or dying tissues and/or failing organs.
When a grown man reaches a point in his life that he no longer smiles at his own farts, but assumes a disgusted or even alarmed reaction to them…it’s too late.
Pepto-Bismol is a lie!!
There is no going back to 21 or 25 yrs of age.
I won’t even get into the memory lapses. Well, just this observation…
I am starting to remind myself of my grandmother (Bless her heart).
I can remember things that happened when I was 3 yrs old!! Really!
But where are the truck keys? Where’s my pen? What was I just gonna do? Did I take my medicine?
Shit…I’m gonna have a heart attack!

I used to be sexy.
Quite a handsome guy…
But…now…I look like someone else’s grandpa.
I have now looked in a mirror and actually said “Good lord Trey” and not in a religious manner either.
It’s the blood clots…I’m sure of it.
I had my first real panic attack just a short time ago, from a dead sleep…woke me up! [Yes on the ER]

I knew I was dying…someone was trying to kill me…the room was getting smaller…I couldn’t breathe!…”Where’s my damn socks!” Chaos…
All my blood clots were finally breaking loose! It was terrible.
I’ve never had a panic attack before. It lasted about 6 hrs. That is technically not an attack…it is a siege.
This only happen’s to old women right?
Great…I’ve turned into an old lady.
I was surprised, only costs a million dollars at the ER….Thank GOD I had insurance…my co-pay was only $300,000

• Blood test (6 tubes!)
• Standard chest x-ray
• Oxygen tube in my nose
• Got ran through the big machine that spins around and around…the people behind the screen say…”Hold your breath now!” 20 minutes later…”Now breathe”…then Vanna claps…Pat claps…and I spin the Bankrupt…
And all I got from the hospital was a bottle of water. No pill no shot…anything to stop whatever was happening to me. I was freaking out!!
But, they didn’t worry about the poor old guy with all his shit falling off. They just ran me through all the tests during a panic attack and didn’t tell me anything! For 6 hrs!!!
The only saving grace was the x-rays were clear…
My vitals and juices were up to snuff.
And mostly…no blood clots. (I did ask them to check for me while I was there)
I think they lied though. I still get the little ghost pains.
How long does it take for a blood clot to form?

About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

13 comments on “Oh Crap!!

  1. Great piece of writing that captured ME perfectly. I prefer now to not call it “degeneration” but “evolution”. For example, I have now evolved into a superior being who prefers an armchair to sitting cross-legged on the floor. Keep the writing up! Great stuff.

  2. That was hilarious. I really like these witty and dialogue-style observation posts.

  3. LOL! Sadly, I am sure most of us can relate to this all too well.

  4. I was telling my children the other day that if only I could…oh shite, I forgot. Yep Aging. Thank you for being involved! I appreciate your sense of humour and your enthusiasm.

  5. I don’t even try to lie about my age anymore…I have earned the right to be stupid and silly and not give a damn.

  6. After this hilarious read, I feel 30 years younger and I bet I shouldn’t.
    You’ve nailed all the stupid, niggling thoughts that become common at a certain age. What happens when age 90 is reached, I wonder, but don’t care to know.
    You write fabulous comedic stories, natural and bang on.

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