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Are you Nuts ?!


Gerhardt the German Shepherd opened his eyes. The sunlight coming thru the windows of the house made patterns on the floor. It was early morning and none of his family was stirring yet. There was a splash.

He perked up his ears and turned his head toward the sound of the water coming from the stinky room. There was a low cough, a blowing sound…then Big Master came out of the stinky room scratching his butt. Big Master stopped and looked toward the couch where Gerhardt and the 2 little masters were distributed.

Gerhardt and the 2 little masters had been up late playing XBOX and watching zombie movies. He had spent a large amount of that time catching popcorn and jelly belly’s that they had thrown to him from differing trajectories and positions. He loved times like that. Those times didn’t happen every day. The last time had been when he had gone to see a man in white that had pushed something up his butt, and stuck him with something sharp. He shivered at the memory.

“Big day today Duke” said the Big Master…still scratching his butt.

Why he kept calling Gerhardt “Duke”, Gerhardt had no idea. Just like the cat, he thought. Her name was Debra but they kept calling her Minxie. He didn’t care. It was a “pet” name he guessed.

Gerhardt moved off the couch and stretched. Yawning widely, he started his stretch at his toes and worked it back to the tip of his tail. He shook himself, smelled the 2 little masters’s feet, stepped over Debra, and moved to his water bowl. He took a quick drink and looked up to peer thru the big door window screen.

The 3 squirrel assholes were running around the back yard chasing each other and making racket. Gerhardt snorted at them. The 3 squirrels: Stan, Stu and Sid stopped running and turned around to look for the noise. Stu saw Gerhardt at the screen. He said something to the other 2 and they chattered. Sid looked at Gerhardt and flipped him off. Stan turned his tail toward Gerhardt and kicked dirt behind him in Gerhardt’s direction. Gerhardt perked his ears again, cocking his head. He yelled at them “You sons a bitches are tough ven ze door ees shut!” Then Stu flipped him off and the 3 of them ran up the light pole laughing. “One day…” Gerhardt said to himself. One day.

He and the Big Master had driven in the car to another place. They had gone inside. The Big Master had been talking to him the whole way. Gerhardt had barely heard him due to the fact that he had his head out the window while the Big Master drove. He had only caught snippets. “Sorry” “be just fine” “Bob Barker treatment”…Gerhardt had no idea what he was talking about. But, he loved the Big Master. He gave Gerhardt beer in his food sometimes.

Gerhardt and Big Master were sitting in a small room with other masters and “citizens”. Gerhardt was bored. The Big Master was talking to a large woman that had a Mexican on her lap.

The Mexican was staring at him with those big bug eyes. The Mexican grinned at him. Then blew a kiss at Gerhardt and said “You lookin’ pretty good in them jeans Amigo”!

Gerhardt perked his ears and cocked his head. “Vas ees dis?” Gerhardt asked perplexed. The Mexican winked at him and said nothing. Gerhardt leaned against Big Masters leg.

Gerhardt only remembered bits and pieces about seeing the man in white again. At first Gerhardt drug his butt across the floor to keep it out of reach, but the man in white stuck him with something and Gerhardt passed out and chased butterflies in a field of daisies…

The first thing that Gerhardt remembered is that when he woke up he noticed that all the furnishings in the room just did not mesh at all! There was no sense of Fung Schway(sic?). And the nurse…OMG…she was wearing white after October! He went back to sleep.

When he woke up again he was lying in front of the screen door. He was groggy. He hurt a little bit. Not bad, he thought…at least his butt was secure. He heard a noise outside the door. He swiveled his head around without lifting it. The 3 squirrel assholes were standing there…not  a foot from the door! Cheeky bastards, Gerhardt thought. But, he just didn’t have the desire to kill them anymore.

That was odd he thought.

With a courtly movement, Stu laid 2 acorns next to the screen door. Gerhardt watched as Sid and Stan did likewise. He gazed at them. They stood at attention. Stu looked at him and smiled. He said “we just figured you might need some extra nuts!” the other 2 lost it. They were dying at this. Gerhardt frowned and cocked the ear that wasn’t against the floor.

Gerhardt grinned to himself, today’s the day…the Price is Wrong bitches! He raised his paw and moved the slight rip in the screen aside…

Debra’s secret hole.

The 3 squirrel assholes froze. Debra stepped gingerly forward over Gerhardt’s head…she meowed and looked at Gerhardt. He looked back at her. She licked her lips, then turned her head toward the 3 squirrel assholes. She was purring now.

They shit their pants.

After Debra had left to sort out the 3 bastards, Gerhardt pulled himself back onto the couch between the 2, still sleeping, little masters. He smelled the bigger one. He blinked and shook his head. This one needs the stinky room he thought. He looked at the remote laying on the couch beside him. He looked at the TV.

All of a sudden he had a strong urge to catch “The View” on Lifetime.

About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

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