Thus begins the first Community Storyboard chain story event.
Squirrels: This Time, It’s Personal (Part 1 of ??)
It was a dark and stormy night. Rain pelted the concrete jungle outside the office of Gosling & McAdams: Love Detectives. It was nothing compared to the storm brewing inside the four walls.
Detective Gosling flung his fedora into the old, peeling paint with a grunt of frustration. The thin walls shuddered in response, reminding him that his office was, in fact, a really cheap mobile home.
“Damn these meddling squirrels,” he muttered. He studied the file once more. Damn rodents and their crack problem-solving skills. How many more cases would they steal from the Love Detectives? When would those vociferous packrats be sated? When they were run out of town in shame?
Twelve cases, these squirrels had stolen from them. Right from under their well-defined noses. Thirteen cases, if you counted the fact that the squirrels had discovered that Needham cad cheating on his wife. Well, everyone knew Ted Needham was a cad. Didn’t need a hotshot squirrel to point that out.
“The humanity!” Gosling cried, as he flung the file into the same wall his fedora had bruised moments ago. No, this was too much. This humiliation could not be borne. No, Detective Gosling had worked far too long on his career, and his well-coiffed hair, to allow these officious rodents to jack his swag now.
An unexpected rap on the flimsy pressed-board door startled him. At first annoyed that someone would not have the good sense to be gentler given the likelihood of a fist coming through the thin particles, Gosling stomped his foot in disapproval. Then, realizing it was past midnight, his fear kicked in. The last time he had an after-hours visitor, it ended in a newspaper headline reading: Sexy Detective’s Stolen Kidney Becomes Cold Case.
Well, he was prepared this time. Panthers were wily, kidney-stealing jerks, but they were not impervious to reason. In preparation for the panther’s return for his other kidney, he had researched the wittiest remarks on the internet, and even practiced them before his mother before she ran off with one of the wretched squirrels.
“Quoth the detective, you shall nevermore have my other kidney!” Gosling exclaimed, as he flung the door open. He was instead shocked to see a ranger, from the north, standing nobly before him.
“Aragorn,” Gosling whispered, in reverence. Yes, this ranger was renowned for all kinds of heroic deeds, but…but…that hair!
“Yes, it is I,” the ranger replied, with a light, irreverent toss of his majestic mane. “I’ve heard tell of your crack detective skills. I am in need of such services.”
Gosling’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “The squirrels sent you…didn’t they?!”
“Nay, I have a few nuts to crack with the squirrels myself,” the ranger, and his hair, replied. Gosling relaxed, secretly glad the squirrels weren’t reserving their shenanigans solely for him.
“Glorified prairie dogs,” Gosling muttered in agreement, met by an appreciative, bro nod from Aragorn.
“My quest brings me far beyond the annoyances of those godless marmots,” Aragorn continued. Gosling watched the ranger’s hair sway in the gentle breeze. With a start, Gosling realized that no breeze, regardless of how gentle, should be flowing in the enclosed room. It was then he noticed his file sticking out of the particleboard wall. Dammit.
“Well, if not the Ratufa macroura, then what?” Gosling urged, as he eyed the hold in his office wall. McAdams was such a cheap bitch, and now they were paying the price for it. Why she had not just shut her mouth and let him build the hobbit hole, he would never know.
“Fair stranger, attempted solver of love crimes. Once I regale you with this tale, you can never go back to this palace of cardboard. Your cubic zirconia dreams will be shattered. But if successful in our mission, we will be thus equipped to defeat the squirrel coup, and restore peace to the lands. You understand the risk and the reward. WHAT SAY YOU?!”
Gosling frowned. He did not really like this talk of cubic zirconia shattered dreams. McAdams ring was handsome, in the right light, and he was not keen on this man’s flippant dismissal of the ever-important message: “it’s the thought that counts.”
“If I refuse?” Gosling challenged. Catching a glimpse of his magnificent blonde locks in the plastic window, he winked at himself. Oh yea. I still got one kidney, ladies!
The fair ranger moved to the plastic window, and in one, deft move attempted to open it. Aragorn scrunched his face in frustration when it wouldn’t budge. Using far more force than was needed, he unsheathed Anduril and thrust the mighty sword at the window. He frowned again when it bounded back, landing on the floor.
“Elrond is going to be so pissed if this thing breaks again,” he muttered, picking the sword up from the cheaply paneled floor. “Follow me.”
They walked three feet until they were outside. The rain poured down on them both in the darkness. Dark as it was, Gosling did not miss the evil, glowing orbs peering at them from all direction. Squirrels. In gangbusters.
Aragorn swept his armored arms around the night air in wild, dramatic arcs. “They will join with the bears in full, unchallenged mutiny. Our mortal enemies, united.”
Well, that changed things. Bears and squirrels, united in the common cause of griefing poor detectives? Gosling was a lazy, untalented twit, but he was not so daft that the consequences fled his pretty-haired head that easily.
“I accept your mission,” Gosling said with an artful, sweeping bow.
“Don’t you even want to hear it first?” Aragorn chided, cocking his hips sassily to the side as he crossed his arms.
“Oh, duh. Yeah, what’s the mission?”