17 Comments

In my Cups

Image

To share or not to share…that is the question.

Here is my answer.

For the first real time in my life, I am going to try and express, try to explain and hopefully understand, for myself, the darkest part of me. That is by all accounts, as unexplainable to me as it has been to others over the years.

Why and how I became, and continue to be an alcoholic.

First off, I don’t know how it happened in the beginning. I still don’t know why it continues. I notice that I am pausing between words as I write this…

 I am thinking, how can I express my thoughts into a truth… for people that are dear to me, and others who are just curious about my alcoholism.

People that…thank God…! or whatever “HIGHER POWER” they adhere to, have NO CLUE, what it is to be so…weak? Selfish? An asshole?

An alcoholic mind….

Let me tell you what I think of myself, at this moment. I am sober now. I have been for some time. My mind is clear for the moment, so nothing is diluted by the cups, I write here now.

I am a good person. I worry about children, homeless people, the world, the government, and the future….pretty much the same as everyone else. I give to charities, I put money into every jar or cup in every store I go into that asks for donations for every possible calamity that has befallen a local in that particular town I am in.

I am an American…therefore my guilt over being more fortunate than others keeps me happy…obviously not cognizant of the fact, that every once in a while I do everything possible to eventually  try and kill myself.

I am a good person…and I have lost every familial relationship I have ever had. I have no real friends…no best friend. I have no one that is generally, truly concerned for my welfare. The only people I know well, to some extent, I am related too. I am the crazy uncle…the goofy cousin…the fun visitor…a father whose children do not talk to him. The only time I hear from anyone is when they want to borrow money or they happen to think “I wonder if Trey is dead yet?”

The sorry thing is…I can’t blame them. I don’t blame them. I won’t…

Here’s my question to people who wonder about me: “You actually think I like being this way?”

 “How in the hell did this happen… again?” “Where am I?” “Where’s my wallet?” “Why am I in jail?” That’s when I feel insane.

 Here are some thoughts and comparisons:

“Normal” People

Alcoholic Me

When sick, go to doctor to feel better

When sober, go to rehab to feel better (3 times)

When craving something, think it through

When craving something, only fulfillment works

When hurting people, stop and apologize

When hurting people, don’t care. Then apologize

Social drinking…one or 2.Then stop drinking

Not possible

Feel good about oneself

Feel good about myself, but that other thing…

It goes without saying that with all the rehabs I have PUT myself through…doctors, therapists, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and the tons of information through books, online forums, websites dedicated to any type of addictive attitudes, and Google searches, I have no more of an idea of why I do what I do, or have done, than the man in the moon. I can tell you everything there is to know about alcoholism, symptoms…treatments, the founders of AA, alternative “cures”…I know the 12 steps of AA by heart, I have sobriety badges in all forms…from 1 day to 1 year, but I can’t tell you…or me…why?

But…I can’t seem to stop it. I live in fear it will happen again…like Dr. Jekyll. It is terrifying for me to know with a certainty, that it is not “if” it will happen again…but “when”?

 I try and keep myself out of situations that could lead to a recurrence. No such thing as a relapse. I don’t drink and drive. I got a DUI years ago, but that was for medicine I had been given at Rehab!! I was driving 35 miles an hour down the interstate. I was a zombie. I didn’t kill anybody thank god!!

When I come to, I see all the empty bottles and cans around me. The torment washes over me like a blanket. The regret rises like poison in my throat. The feeling of being out of control and lost is a terrible thing at that moment. It is the worse feeling in the world that I can even try to explain. So…why did I do it?

I don’t know why. I have no fucking clue.

I believe in God. I have a strong faith in him and the basic goodness of man. I am grateful to have my life and the free agency to make my own decisions, good or bad. I am so very blessed in so many things that I give thanks for them all. But, is there a part of me that is evil? Is alcoholism evil? I don’t want to be evil.

Alcoholism IS A DISEASE. It has symptoms. It has characteristics that mirror each other consistently over many different cases…millions of cases. No one has a definite idea why it is prevalent in some and not in others. Some people are “carriers”, able to lead a productive life and raise families while hopelessly drunk (I know some of these people…grandmas). Some are terminal, die in no time at all. There are acute cases, there are chronic cases. It is a disease. That much I am sure of… convinced of. Do I have the disease? I don’t feel like I do. Not now at least.

But the human wreckage and carnage that I have contributed to or been the cause of  these many years to myself and others, has proven to me, without a doubt, that there is something very wrong with me. A Typhoid Mary to my loved ones, in some respect.

There have been times (several times) I have been in a motel room for days…drunk. I remember walking beside a river with only my clothes on my back, a bible in my back pocket…drunk. I remember going to church drunk off my ass. I remember walking away from apartments or houses that were mine. Leaving everything behind I had bought, getting drunk and ending up in a different state and never going back. I remember donating plasma to buy liquor or beer. I remember waking up in a ditch, the morning after payday, drunk and broke. I remember filtering out ashes and cigarettes from half empty bottles and cans to have something to stop the trembling in my hands and body. I remember not seeing my kids because I’d start drinking at 8 in the morning for hell sakes!! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!

The worst part…the terrible part, is what I don’t remember. Maybe its best that way…I don’t know.

I have lost so much. Due to my own fault, THAT…is the worst of all. The kicker…

And I can’t explain it. I can’t explain why.

I am sober now. I am making myself sad and angry and just plain sick writing this.

Can I stop it? God, I hope so. I am trying so hard. That’s why a recurrence is worse than the last.

I will add more later, I am sad now. I am sober now.

Will I defeat this disease? Or, for the unbelievers, will I quit being such an asshole?

I have no fucking clue…

 

About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

17 comments on “In my Cups

  1. A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, SAYS THAT GOING TO HIS AA CLASSES AND HELPING OTHERS THROUGH THE BATTLE BY BEING A “COUNSELOR”. HE WORKED AT THE INPATIENT HOSPITAL I USED TO GO TO FOR MY BIPOLAR, AND HE COUNSELED US, AND DID THE AA GROUPS THEY HAD

  2. Wow. I’m genuinely sorry that you’ve gone through all that. I hope you stay sober for the rest of your life and always find the strength to carry on. It takes a lot of courage to make a post like this and to admit that you don’t know.

  3. Good luck with this Trey. One Day at a Time! My husband has been sober for 9 years today and got that way before I met him. I don’t know that we would have come together had that not happened for him. Keep a sponsor, work the steps and hit as many meetings as you can. And remember, sobriety is about spiritual progress, not perfection.

  4. You’re not a bad person, Trey. You may have done bad things, but that only makes you human, that only makes you like the rest of the human race. I believe you have the strength to battle this disease and win. For thing, you are a very good writer. You must keep writing. Write here at CSB but don’t forget your blog because that is your very own platform. Be patient with yourself, too. It can take awhile to amass a warm fuzzy group of blogging friends. You’re on your way, but be patient. Before you know it, you’ll be so busy blogging and writing that you won’t have time for a drink and you won’t care.

  5. Hi Trey ~ I hope each day you make it through, without drinking, that you realize how much strength and courage it takes to accomplish each day of sobriety. It’s ever amazing to me how kind and caring some of us, for whatever reasons – including myself – can be to total strangers and how uncaring we are, sometimes, to ourselves. Eventually, I guess, a person just has to put themselves before anyone else – we need to take care of ourselves FIRST. And that’s a hard lesson to learn in life – no matter how one comes to learn it. Cling to your writing, Trey – that creative part of yourself. Nurture that part and that part might lead you to the answers you seek. And don’t forget what you already know: alcoholism is like a chronic illness – can’t be cured but can be controlled. Until later,
    Ellespeth

Penny for your thoughts (we won't resell them)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Horror4Me

Journalism so good... it's scary.

transcribingmemory

Decades of her words.

J and I Publishing

Creative Color Book Publications

Tony Flye

Author

Everything Indie

Supporting Indie Authors with Tips, Reviews, and Services

frankalrich

Community manager for ReviewCreep.com - Exposure Platform for Wordpress Review Bloggers

Barbarian Writer

A Story For The Æons

Five.

Five true stories, every five weeks.

You Knew What I Meant

Errors and Intentions

Koreanish

Alexander Chee

Bending Genre

Essays on Creative Nonfiction

harm·less drudg·ery

defining the words that define us

Antariksh Yatra

Journeys in Space, Time and the Imagination

The Task at Hand

A Writer's On-Going Search for Just the Right Words

Mashed Radish

everyday etymology

rottenindenmark.wordpress.com/

Is this gentleman bothering you?

%d bloggers like this: