| The Final Part: Prologue | The Final Part: Wine and Cheese |
Gosling looked over at McAdams. It had been a tough road but they had finally made it here to Baker Street. People were assembling a barricade out of furniture and whatever else they could get their mitts on. “Okay honey, you ready for this?”
She pulled the cigar out of her mouth and her blessed bosom receded as she blew out a puff of smoke that drifted up into the cold air. He watched her deep red lips curl and her long eyelashes bat up and down in a rapid motion. “I died ready for this, dear. Glass coffins, what are they good for?” She placed the cigar back in her mouth and pulled up her pistol and cocked it.
“Absolutely nothing,” a deep voice boomed out. From around the corner a group of people paraded out, the voice came from a tall man in a deep gray suit that looked expensive. With him Gosling recognized Aragorn and that funny bookkeeper, Saruman. Next to Saruman he saw the towering giant with the bad green suit who had two lackeys with him. Edwina gave a wink as Gosling’s gaze crossed hers. Gosling’s eyes narrowed at the sight of the shirtless figure with lean muscles, and short buzzed hair. He would know those red glittering dragon tattoos below those slanted eyes.
“Smaug, you bastard; you almost killed us in New Orleans!” Gosling threw himself at the man. Smaug in a smooth motion stepped to the side, his hands remaining down sending Gosling hurtling to the ground.
“My man,” McAdams said through her clenched teeth around her cigar.
“I resent being called a bastard. I happen to be a legitimate son of my mother, who is not a bitch I might add.”
Gosling let out a huge scream and scrambled up and tackled Smaug, they both collapsed to the ground in a flurry of fists and feet. McAdams just looked on passively. Gandalf and Saruman began to cluck around the two figures like chickens trying to get them to stop.
Gosling’s face was busy holding Smaug’s hand in just the right place, his ear pressed firmly in the dirt. His fedora long since rolled away. These mere distractions did not interfere with him from hearing a girl shout out, “Enough!” Both he and Smaug stopped writhing. Gosling felt himself being lifted off the ground by a hand around the back of his shirt. He looked at the person lifting him.
“You two should be ashamed of yourself,” Darlene scolded the two of them. The both had their heads down in shame. Gosling looked up at the scowling face and glanced down at her bare arms.
“Darlene, how did you get so, so strong?” Gosling stammered.
“Oh,” She gave a slight blush, “well long story short, I met some demon hunters, they took me to another universe and I trained hard.”
“All in a day’s time?”
“I don’t quite understand it but I was gone for months and months but only a few hours passed here.”
“Oh, that is marvelous. We must have a long chat dear,” Saruman said with keen interest.
“Good for you girl,” McAdams nodded her approval.
“Enough, we must now plan strategy for the upcoming battle!” Aragorn shouted trying to take command.
“Dibs on the mini-gun!” Darlene said with an excited jump and clapping her hands.
“No argument from me,” Smaug said. “I much prefer my katana 6K.”
“Hey there Aragorn, so that quest thing that you put me on, that didn’t work out so well for McAdams and I, hope you don’t mind but we’ll just stick with our own plans.” Gosling said.
“Be that as it may–”
“Nah, Aragorn, you just stand out there and distract them with your hair. I think that is the best strategy for you.” McAdams piped up. She didn’t flinch under the dark scowl he directed at her.
“Okay everyone, I’ll take command.” A small voice squeaked. They all looked down at Director Baggins. “I know, you didn’t see me down here. Anyway, Darlene you lay the suppression fire with the big guns. Gandalf, you and Saruman will take point at the barricade. Remember the squirrels must not cross that barricade or all is lost. Gosling and McAdams you cover from the top of the barricade. Smaug, you’ll be our advanced runner, your job is to fight with our troops on the other side of the barricade. Edwina, Treebeard, you two will take the right flank. Hmm, I thought Gamgee would have been here. He would have been helpful.”
“What about me, little man?” Aragorn asked.
“Oh right, what McAdams said. You just stand out there and distract them with your hair.” Bilbo said with firmness.
“I must protest—” An acorn struck Aragorn in the head and he fell over on his back, knocked out cold.
The group looked at their fallen comrade, no one saying anything at first. Bilbo finally said, “Well that was short lived. Everyone to your post! The squirrels are here!”
A flurry of acorns flew up into the air and the sky darkened as they came down pelting the barricade. Gosling ran across the bits of wood, dodging the splinters and dust from the remnants of falling acorns. As he approached McAdams, he admired the way she stood there on top of the barricade, cigar in mouth and pistol held straight as it loudly went off.
“Hey kid, how you holdin’ up?” She asked him in her sexy voice.
“God, I love you.” He said in awe.
“I know, dear. Now come help me blast more of these varmints, wait a second. The squirrels they are backing away…”
Gosling peered out over the barricade and saw the hoard of squirrels receding into the distance down the street. The sound of drums rang out.
“Hold your fire!” Bilbo shouted out in his Commander’s megaphone. “Smaug, Edwina, get your troops back inside the barricade. This can’t be good.”
Smaug and Edwina with their troops wasted no time in leaping back over the barricade. Smoke billowed around Darlene from her now silent mini-gun. Everyone stood looking over the barricade at the squirrels and bears. Then they heard the rumbling of something big approaching. A large black tank rolled down the street, crushing the fallen bodies strewn out across the street. Gosling admired the flames painted around the body of the tank and said, “Oh shit, the Panthers have joined the fight.”
“And they brought a Balrog tank,” Darlene added from the far end of the barricade.
“Leave this to me,” Gandalf said leaping over the barricade. The tank stopped rolling forward and Gandalf strode up looking directly into the main cannon protruding from the mechanical beast. He placed his twisted wooden cane down on the ground with a firm thud and yelled, “You shall not pass!” Gandalf’s headless body crumpled to the earth after a shattering boom.
“Well that was stupid,” McAdams said what everyone was thinking. Before someone could give a follow up reply the main cannon let out another barrage of thunder and the middle of the barricade blew apart.
A loud squeal could be heard and everyone looked at the small running figure of Director Baggins rushing out the open hole carrying something.
“Baggins you dope, get back in here.” Gosling yelled down at the little man. Bilbo ignored him and held up the large cylindrical device and gave a shout, “For Cupcakoria!” He pressed a button and the anti-armor missile shot out piercing the tank and a giant fireball engulfed the tank. That was fitting, Gosling thought.
Bilbo turned around and held up the RPG Launcher above his head in a signal of victory. Gosling felt himself letting out a loud cheer with the rest of his compatriots. Then he heard a gasp from McAdams who said, “It can’t be.”
Gosling looked at the burning wreckage and saw that a charred burning figure had emerged from the belly of the steel beast.
“Samwise,” McAdams said finishing up his question. Her teeth clenched down hard on her cigar and she said with apparent vehemence, “Now this has become personal. Die you flea ridden varmints from Hell!” She grabbed a second pistol and flipped over the top of the barricade landing on the grand in her new stiletto heels. Neat trick, that, Gosling observed. Her pistols were letting bullets fly, bursting through fur and hides with splatters of blood.
Director Baggins taking up her lead dropped the RPG Launcher and pulled out his famous Slingshot Blaster and yelled out to the troops, “Attack brethren! Our final hour has arrived!” He started running towards the mob squirrels but the return volley of acorns was too much and Director Baggins evaporated into red mist and scraps of his corpse hit the ground.
Gosling gulped, tugged at his fedora on his head then followed his wife into the fray. Smaug and his troops burst forth and started tackling the squirrels and bears. Blood sprayed and splattered around them. Acorns impacted the earth with giant explosions. Smoke filtered all around the combatants.
On top of the barricade Darlene was laughing like a maniac hefting the giant mini-gun, which was tearing apart legions of the squirrels. Aragorn, who luck would have it, stood there untouched, his hair shimmering in the sunlight. Saruman stood near him and would whack any approaching squirrel who was distracted by Aragorn’s luscious hair with his white cane. Edwina and Treebeard began to tear through the clump of squirrels and bears. Treebeard would knock them up and Edwina muzzle would clamp around their throats.
Smaug found himself deep within the mass of squirrels, slicing with his katana, dropping panthers and squirrels. A giant squirrel in military fatigues jumped in front of him and let out a roar.
“General Rocko, we meet again,” Smaug said whipping his katana around his lithe body with an unmatched elegance.
“Smaug, you bastard, my old advisory. This time I will finish you off.” Rocko replied.
“Dammit, why does everyone keep calling me that? I am a legitimate child of my mother! Bah, prepare to meet the great Nut in the sky.” Smaug brandished the katana with both hands and began to run forward.
Rocko with slow dedicated movements, took his paws and unlatched a giant shotgun from his back, took aim and specks of Smaug met the air. It was not soon enough, Smaug’s katana flew straight, slicing Rocko deep within his skull. The two corpses collapsed towards each other.
No great loss there, Gosling thought. The legions of Cupcakoria managed to press the hoard of squirrels back. Aragorn let out a call, “They are retreating! We shall have this day my men!” It was at this moment the eagles turned up. The squirrel hoard let out a giant shout in unison sending a chill down Gosling’s spine.
The flood of retreating vermin turned about face and the armies of Cupcakoria found themselves pressed up against the buildings of Baker Street. Edwina found herself torn apart between two bears. Treebeard, Skinbark and Leaflock were cut down by panthers with broadaxes who had snuck up behind them.
“I’m out of ammo,” Darlene said with a grunt as she dropped the heavy mini-gun and unstrapped the ammo pack which fell to the street in a loud thud.
“I’m running low on ammo too,” McAdams said.
“I’m almost out as well,” Gosling said.
“I never had ammo,” Saruman said grumpily. He then snatched up his cane and gave a firm swing striking Aragorn in the head.”
“Owe! What madness is this?” Aragorn responded with shock.
“You damn fool, don’t you know the laws of superstition? Rule one, never state how well things are going, because that is the exact moment when your luck will change.”
“Makes sense,” Gosling said with a moment of contemplation.
“Hold tight,” Darlene said, “they are coming.”
The horde of squirrels formed a semi-circle around the group of stragglers as the felt their backs press up against the unit of 22B. Gosling swore he heard violin music coming from the upper level of the unit.
“Why aren’t they finishing us off?” Darlene asked.
“What is it that they are chattering?” McAdams followed up with her own question.
“Oh, I’ve studied Squirrelese, give me a moment.” Saruman said with some satisfaction in his deep voice. “I believe they are saying, ‘Goddess’.”
“Close your eyes friends, if the Goddess comes she will blind you with her beauty and you shall end up her minion forever.” Aragorn shouted.
They all closed their eyes except for Aragorn. He watched as the slim figure stepped toward him, her hips swaying, and her glorious blonde hair a match for his own. She surveyed the group with her crystal blue eyes. She didn’t say a word.
Aragorn stood there quivering. He managed to regain some composure and stood up straight and said, “I am immune to your charms, Goddess.”
She glanced at him and spoke in a soft golden voice, “Are you a god?”
“No.” Aragorn responded with some hesitance.
“Then die.” A bolt of lightning emanated from her finger tips coursing through Aragorn’s body and his crispy corpse fell down on the ground.
“I guess he never saw Ghostbusters,” McAdams said.
“You can open your eyes my new minions. I shall protect and nourish you.” The group opened their eyes and all were struck.
“Mistress, how can we serve?” Their question said in unison. A smile tugged at her gorgeous red lips.
“Come my minions, we have much to do in Cupcakoria now that I am ruler.”
Gosling, McAdams, Darlene and Saruman nodded with agreement. They dropped their weapons and followed their new Goddess.
Ionia woke up in the middle of the night. She looked at her bed clock, “Bloody hell! Three AM? Shite, I have got to stop drinking wine, eating cheese and watching Lord of the Rings right before bed. That dream was a disaster. A disaster. She laid her back on her fluffy pillow looking up at the ceiling and fell back asleep thinking, “Goddess, I kind of like the sound of that.”