Holy Hannah!!

images (22)


My feet were kinda itching from wearing socks and shoes. I usually wear sandals when I drive, for comfort and non-stinkyness. Truckers aren’t supposed to wear sandals when driving, but Johnny Law don’t have to live with our feet…do he?


As I was reaching my orgasmic plane while scratching the in-step of my right foot, I noticed something.

I HAVE A MOTHER-SUCKING VARICOSE VEIN!!! On my right calf! Where…in…the…hell…did that come from?! I have a varicose vein?! I’ve only just turned 49 years old and I’ve got a granny leg?!!

I’ve been noticing a few twinges or burning sensations in my calf for the last little bit, but I chalked it up to my Hypochondriatic paranoia. (See post Oh Crap!)
You know…? Ghost pains. I’d rub it or flex it and it would go away for a while. I didn’t think much about it. We never do…do us? I must still have the “indestructible” attitude of a younger man, despite the fact that all my shit is starting to sag, turn colors and smell.

Denial…what a beautiful place. Outside of Egypt somewhere I think…I here it’s nice there all year round.

This freakin’ vein is about as wide as my fat ass finger and just as long! It hasn’t turned granny blue yet, but who knows what it will do? What if it burst? What if there’s a blood clot?!


I just checked my left calf…no sign of a granny leg yet thank God.

I also just Googled “Varicose Veins” and there are treatments. There are direct injections into the vein. Don’t really want to think on that option quite yet. I’m not scared of needles mind you, just the doctor that had a fight with his wife, then strangled her, and left her body in the fire place and found out the insurance policy he had on her cancelled last Tuesday. And I’m the first one in the office with the same last name as his wife’s maiden name, before she turned into a soul sucking bitch!

That…is how my brain works.

Hypochondriatic Paranoia is a terrible thing.

The next treatments are prescriptions of course. But I am not taking pills that have worser side effects than the freakin’ vein! I can handle the varicose vein, but not the liver failure, kidney failure, bloody stools, leaking stools, black stools, no stools, or the ever terrifying blood clots I so dread.
Pills are a no go…just ask Tom Cruise.


What am I gonna do now?
Google also suggests that walking and exercise will reduce the vein somewhat, and that will prevent others from “popping” up. As a truck driver y’all understand that the majority of the time, we are sitting for hours. When I stop for rest, the last thing I wanna do is walk. I wanna sleep. That’s the Catch 22. Either I get off my big fat lazy ass and walk…or suffer more granny legs. Which do I hate worse? I’ll have to weigh my options.

Hmmm…maybe I’ll risk the shot.

P.S. While I’m checking my calf again I notice that it is time for a pedicure. I don’t think my toe nails are supposed to be yellow and white. Are they?

About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

4 comments on “Holy Hannah!!

  1. Did you have to add the toenail thing? I have an weird obsession with people who have yellow nails, totally grosses me out. I had to leave a bank line once because the woman in front of me had yellow curling (like those friggin’ long fingernails people have) nails and she had to wear sandals. I couldn’t take my eyes from them, and had to leave. I waited in my truck until I saw her leave and then went back in.
    Now, on the leg issue, be grateful you don’t have Factor V Leiden. Yes, go Google it. It is a blood clot disease which basically means I have blood clots all the time, I just am supposed to take rat poison to control them. Well, we did the rat poison for a while, then I just couldn’t fathom it anymore, so I am on my own therapy now, which works because I can adjust when my legs are down or elevated. God forbid I have to start working anytime soon, that disability doesn’t come through (which is for a myriad of issues not just this one). Even when I was in Alaska and just driving around to hunting sites, I ended up getting a rather large clot in my left arm. When I finally got back to Anchorage, my doctor immediately sent me for an ultra sound of my legs and arm. She said there were many small clots all happily waiting for a party invitation before gathering together and causing a large clot, and the one in my arm had moved. She said that one was rather dangerous as it was my left arm, and the vein it was on it way to was to my heart. So, that is another reason I didn’t opt for the driver route, I can’t keep my legs down for long period of time.
    If that sucker, or another one, gets hot to the touch, or looks like a friggin’ speed bump under your skin, better get to the hospital as that is a blood clot. That is how I was first diagnosed.
    Peace man, drive safe.

Penny for your thoughts (we won't resell them)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Journalism so good... it's scary.


Decades of her words.

J and I Publishing

Creative Color Book Publications

Tony Flye


Everything Indie

Supporting Indie Authors with Tips, Reviews, and Services


Community manager for ReviewCreep.com - Exposure Platform for Wordpress Review Bloggers

Barbarian Writer

A Story For The Æons


Five true stories, every five weeks.

You Knew What I Meant

Errors and Intentions


Alexander Chee

Bending Genre

Essays on Creative Nonfiction

harm·less drudg·ery

defining the words that define us

Antariksh Yatra

Journeys in Space, Time and the Imagination

The Task at Hand

A Writer's On-Going Search for Just the Right Words

Mashed Radish

everyday etymology


Is this gentleman bothering you?

%d bloggers like this: