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Ponderings Par Deux (sic?)

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Uuggghhh….What am I doing up @ 3 am?

I’m thanking God right now for Dunkin Donuts™ Coffee. I don’t usually drink coffee. It has

adverse effects upon my ummmm….poo poo.

Besides, I ran out of arms and legs and first born to frequent Starbucks anymore.

Speaking of my poo-poo, as I was upon the Throne of Reflection this morning, deep in thought about the world in general and how to come to its rescue, I stumbled upon some very good questions to ask God.

Wait…wait…this will not be a theological rant or introspection. I will not endorse or condemn any religion. But being a mixture of trucker and mechanical maintenance tech, I appreciate inspired engineering and preventative maintenance in all types of manufacturing, production and construction equipment. This post will only be a dialogue or exchange of ideas about the Big Guys planning and implementation.

So…as I sat upon the Portal of Poop, this popped into my head:

If God is God, and is all knowing and infallible…then why did he make us defective? Yes, I agree that all life is a miracle, and I wonder how I’ve managed to live so long myself, but you have to admit….

1)      Why is our life span shorter than a big turtles?

Because they move so slow…because their metabolism is so slow? Hell…if that’s the case my Granny would still be alive and still “Bingoing!” her butt off!

2)      Why do our bones break?

If I had built us, I would’ve used adamantium like Wolverine™ has.

3)      Why do we have to breathe?

This is about as inefficient as you can get ecologically and mechanically. Yes…it brings oxygen to the red blood cells so that we can live, but it only benefits the one unit. The exhalation of breath has much worser contaminants and mindless chatter associated with it than is necessary. If equipment I maintained expired this much waste and irritating noises I’d shut it down and buy a better one.

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4)      Why do we need to poop?

Why can’t we just absorb everything and retain it without having yellow skin and eyes? I agree that a good poop in the morning is a wonderful thing butt (oops…a pun just happened) butt, it’s a messy and inefficient way to reclaim/recycle waste. I mean…think about how much of our lives are wasted (oops…a pun just happened again) wasted sitting on the potty. I mean…sometimes inspiration comes to a few AWESOME bloggers while thus occupied, butt it is mostly a total “waste” of time and effort. There’s got to be a better way! Maybe not as enjoyable or “un-fulfilling” perhaps, butt more efficient. I’ll look into it.

5)      Why do we need speech?

Why can’t we exchange thoughts telepathically? How many muscles does it take to form words or smile? I say cut down the number of muscles around the mouth…hell, remove it all together! Don’t we communicate more by using gestures, body language or facial expressions? I don’t need to hear words come from my loving, understanding, patient, forgiving wife’s lips to know that she is about to kill me. It’s a very distinct facial expression that requires no vocal dialogue. Besides, what has caused more misunderstandings, chaos and death in the world (other than disease I reckon) than speech? I mean…think about it?

6)      Why do we need sex other than to waste a perfectly good 2 minutes?

Besides, what has caused more misunderstandings, chaos and death in the world (other than speech and disease I reckon) than sex? One more quick thing about speech. We don’t need speech for sex. All sex requires is a raised eyebrow, tequila and a car hood. There is no need for speech during sex. Matter of fact, I think it is preferred that way. Body language, handcuffs and grunting are all we need for successful coital bliss. If you think about it, sex is nasty and hygienically unsafe. You’re not supposed to introduce foreign matter into a piece of equipment that didn’t cum with said matter. (Oops…a pun just happened again).

7)      Why do we have to decline in health as we get older and die?

Why can’t we have a factory warranty on our lives? Say…85 years. If we can’t get everything done that we want in 85 years then we need to get a 2nd job and quit fucking around wasting time. I don’t want to die in slow agony or even think about being cremated, or buried in a box above ground or underground for that matter. Why can’t we just party with friends and family the last week, until the minute our warranty expires and burst into bubbles while “Tip Toe thru the Tulips” plays in the background? It’s much more ecologically friendly that way…plus, I like bubbles.

These are very good questions I’d like to have answers too. There is many, many more of course but I only have enough time for these this morning. I just wanted to give y’all something to think about the next time you’re pooping.

Your Servant as always

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About treyzguy

I am so full of self-confidence and crap that I would worship myself against my own will.... Under penalty of death.

One comment on “Ponderings Par Deux (sic?)

  1. So my Johnny Depp post just didn’t clear everything up (or out) for you? 😉

    Also–I can tell you why your coffee has adverse effects on you. Two words: DUNKIN DONUTS. Ew. Since I deduce you are from New England and it shouldn’t cost too much to ship it, may I recommend these guys: http://www.deansbeans.com/?

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