I hacked into the FBI mainframe this morning.
(But first a quick observation: Don’t put your glasses on right after you clean the lenses with one of those lens wipes. It makes your eyes burn and tear up)
Anyways…as I was saying
I hacked into the FBI mainframe this morning while I was trying to figure out where in the hell I am. I knew I was in California, but couldn’t remember which town. My Hypochondriatic Paranoia kicked in and I recognized that the Destinational Alzheimers was back. It took about 3 minutes before I remembered that I have a GPS. It said that I was still in Chandler, Arizona. Now, I can’t find the receipt for the piece of shit.
After I hacked into the FBI system (the password is Hunky Doory by the way), I went to the super top secret Wikipedia entries.
This is some of what I found:
1) There is no such thing as Santa Claus (that’s obviously a bullshit ploy by the FBI to make me think this information is false)
2) The 1969 Mets WERE NOT a miracle…
3) It is okay to wear white after October
4) Elvis never left the building
5) Michael Jackson is not dead. He Beat It
6) Kim Kardashian is the guy, Kanye is the chick. (Why didn’t that surprise me?)
7) Walmart is controlled by aliens
8) Starbucks is an entity of the Federal Reserve (I KNEW IT!)
9) There is absolutely no reason to get up before 10 am (unless you’re 49 years old and have to pee or poop)
10) You will not go blind if you play with yourself (I take off my glasses…I put them back on)
11) There is no such thing as Fat Free
12) President Obama has no birth certificate. But he does have a USB portal in his butt.
13) Plaid and paisley do look good on you
14) They made up some of the crayon names
15) Playing with yourself does not make you grow hair in your palms (I look…dead give-away)
16) Humpty Dumpty was a suicide
17) The little old lady that lived in a shoe was a slut
18) Cows, sheep, fish and tofu are really different species of Chicken. (That answers a lot)
19) Sesame Street is not real
20) Satan was cast out of heaven because he refused to wear shoes or a shirt. (Didn’t he see the sign on the gate?…hmmm…honest mistake I think. I never see it either)
This is just a sampling of the incredible truths that the FBI is trying to keep from us!
Oh…wait…what’s this foot-note at the bottom?
“There is no such thing as The Freedom of Information Act” It’s always gonna cost ya!
Your Cyber Sleuth,