(A tale from college through the inner me. Seriously, this kind of conversation happened to me every few days.)
Friend/Stranger- So, you write stories, right?
Friend/Stranger- Great! Then maybe you can help me.
Inner Me- Trouble! Nothing good comes from this! You know what happened yesterday! Run!
Friend/Stranger- I had a story idea and I wanted your opinion.
Inner Me- And here we go.
Friend/Stranger- I mean you’re very creative and you just inspire me to write what’s in my mind.
Inner Me- Then switch your major and write it. Please don’t tell me. Pretty please.
Friend/Stranger- It takes place in a magical world.
Inner Me- Where high school kids from Earth get transported.
Friend/Stranger- Where high school kids from Earth get transported.
Inner Me- I swear I’m going to burn the library’s copies of El Hazard this weekend. I’ll say Satan worshipers did it . . . or blame Greg.
Friend/Stranger- They’re the jock, the cheerleader, the nerd guy, and the quiet girl.
Inner Me- Okay. Somebody has to be putting people up to this. Third time this week I’ve heard the same set up. Not funny, guys.
Friend/Stranger- The nerd guy becomes the strongest while the jock turns evil. The nerd gets the cheerleader in the end.
Inner Me- Kind of sad how these guys keep focusing on nerd getting the cheerleader. I’m tempted to write a story where the nerd turns evil, the quiet girl gets the jock, and the cheerleader gets forgotten. Why do they just forget about the quiet girl?
Friend/Stranger- The teacher that goes with them gets killed.
Inner Me- You know who would love to hear that idea? George Lucas. In fact, I think he deserves to hear it in return for creating Jar Jar Binks.
Friend/Stranger- And the nerd guy is told he has magic powers.
Inner Me- Wait. Isn’t there a book series that started last year about a nerdy boy who is told he has magic powers? What was the name? Harry . . . oh my god, this idiot is holding the book. Is this plagiarism through osmosis?
Friend/Stranger- You make writing so easy, so I know you can help me.
Inner Me- Easy? EASY! I toil over every character and storyline. I become obsessed to the point where eating is optional. If I could find a waterproof notebook, I’d write in the shower. I get irritable if I haven’t written in three days. I’m talking to the point where I want to devour human flesh. You think this shit is easy, motherfucker?
Friend/Stranger- It isn’t like writing is very hard. We all know the same words and learned grammar.
Inner Me- You are so on the menu.
Friend/Stranger- So, I know you’re busy with your own stories, but could you help me write mine?
Inner Me- If it’s so easy then why do you need my help?
Friend/Stranger- I already have the basics down. I even know who I want to play each character in the movie.
Inner Me- I’m sorry, God. Is this because of the premarital sex? The underage drinking? Peeing on the campus statue? If this is because I once thought that I would never thank you in an acceptance speech then this is the wrong way to win my favor.
Friend/Stranger- I want Steven Seagal to play the good guy and Jean-Claude Van Damme to play the villain. Bruce Willis and Sarah Michelle Gellar should be in there too. Oh and that new Asian guy in the movies.
Inner Me- You know, a bus hitting me would be more merciful. I’ll even take getting pecked to death by those psychotic geese you put on the campus. This right here is simply inhumane.
Friend/Stranger- So, will you help me?
Me- I’ll see what I can do.
Inner Me- Guess it’s time to fake another stroke or create another death in the family. I run through so many imaginary aunts, uncles, and grandparents because of these idiots.