So, You Write Stories, Right?

Sakura from Naruto

Sakura from Naruto

(A tale from college through the inner me.  Seriously, this kind of conversation happened to me every few days.)

Friend/Stranger-  So, you write stories, right?

Me- Y-

Friend/Stranger- Great!  Then maybe you can help me.

Inner Me- Trouble!  Nothing good comes from this!  You know what happened yesterday!  Run!

Friend/Stranger- I had a story idea and I wanted your opinion.

Inner Me- And here we go.

Friend/Stranger- I mean you’re very creative and you just inspire me to write what’s in my mind.

Inner Me- Then switch your major and write it.  Please don’t tell me. Pretty please.

Friend/Stranger- It takes place in a magical world.

Inner Me- Where high school kids from Earth get transported.

Friend/Stranger- Where high school kids from Earth get transported.

Inner Me- I swear I’m going to burn the library’s copies of El Hazard this weekend.  I’ll say Satan worshipers did it . . . or blame Greg.

Friend/Stranger- They’re the jock, the cheerleader, the nerd guy, and the quiet girl.

Inner Me- Okay.  Somebody has to be putting people up to this.  Third time this week I’ve heard the same set up.  Not funny, guys.

Friend/Stranger- The nerd guy becomes the strongest while the jock turns evil.  The nerd gets the cheerleader in the end.

Inner Me- Kind of sad how these guys keep focusing on nerd getting the cheerleader.  I’m tempted to write a story where the nerd turns evil, the quiet girl gets the jock, and the cheerleader gets forgotten.  Why do they just forget about the quiet girl?

Friend/Stranger- The teacher that goes with them gets killed.

Inner Me- You know who would love to hear that idea?  George Lucas.  In fact, I think he deserves to hear it in return for creating Jar Jar Binks.

Friend/Stranger- And the nerd guy is told he has magic powers.

Inner Me- Wait. Isn’t there a book series that started last year about a nerdy boy who is told he has magic powers?  What was the name?  Harry . . . oh my god, this idiot is holding the book.  Is this plagiarism through osmosis?

Friend/Stranger- You make writing so easy, so I know you can help me.

Inner Me- Easy?  EASY!  I toil over every character and storyline.  I become obsessed to the point where eating is optional.  If I could find a waterproof notebook, I’d write in the shower.  I get irritable if I haven’t written in three days.  I’m talking to the point where I want to devour human flesh.  You think this shit is easy, motherfucker?

Friend/Stranger- It isn’t like writing is very hard.  We all know the same words and learned grammar.

Inner Me- You are so on the menu.

Friend/Stranger- So, I know you’re busy with your own stories, but could you help me write mine?

Inner Me- If it’s so easy then why do you need my help?

Friend/Stranger- I already have the basics down.  I even know who I want to play each character in the movie.

Inner Me- I’m sorry, God.  Is this because of the premarital sex?  The underage drinking?  Peeing on the campus statue?  If this is because I once thought that I would never thank you in an acceptance speech then this is the wrong way to win my favor.

Friend/Stranger- I want Steven Seagal to play the good guy and Jean-Claude Van Damme to play the villain.  Bruce Willis and Sarah Michelle Gellar should be in there too.  Oh and that new Asian guy in the movies.

Inner Me- You know, a bus hitting me would be more merciful.  I’ll even take getting pecked to death by those psychotic geese you put on the campus.  This right here is simply inhumane.

Friend/Stranger- So, will you help me?

Me- I’ll see what I can do.

Inner Me- Guess it’s time to fake another stroke or create another death in the family.  I run through so many imaginary aunts, uncles, and grandparents because of these idiots.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.

12 comments on “So, You Write Stories, Right?

  1. I have a co-worker who never stops telling me/ asking me to write her own life story. I keep saying “I write fiction. I wouldn’t know the first thing about writing a true story.” She keeps asking. She has led a fascinating life, but I have absolutely no idea how to write a true story. She keeps asking.

  2. Hahaha! That was great. 🙂
    Wait…. you can go for three days without writing and still have hair?

  3. ” I get irritable if I haven’t written in three days. I’m talking to the point where I want to devour human flesh. You think this shit is easy, motherfucker?”

    You’ll forgive me if I read this in the voice of Sam L Jackson XD


  4. OMG, this is SO funny! I love it! Spot-on, Charles!

  5. Loved it! Laughed to tears and had to hold onto a chair or would have fallen down!

  6. Charles the funny. Very funny. I love this

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