I wanted my money back….
The vending machine just stared at me from its handprint smudged eye.
It had just stolen $3 from me by snagging my twin chili dogs halfway around the dispenser.
It did it on purpose.
I could tell where this was going….
I knew that as I had been hitting the selection buttons the carousel inside the machine had stalled a couple of times, and even as I reached for the dispenser door to grab my chili dogs, the spinner would back track and move my dogs away from the slot.
Okay….that’s how it’s gonna be huh?
I stepped back and looked at the machine.
For those of you who read my humble blog, y’all know that I am a firm believer that all machines have a semblance of a soul…pieces of individual souls from the people that assembled it, or designed it. People that poured their heart and souls into creating a machine that is simple to use and convenient for man-kind.
Obviously, this machine was built by a bunch of Yankee assholes who knew this particular machine was going south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Blue Belly scum….Carpet-bagging bitches
As I stood there trying to decide if my foot could penetrate the display glass, the machine beeped. The little red light on the card scanner began to flash and the L.E.D display said “Cash only”.
“Whaddayou mean “Cash Only?!” I hollered.
The spinner back tracked again, my chili dogs disappearing from my view towards the back of the spindle.
“Why you….” I started to say.
But….I is a reasonable man.
Technology and violence?
Not good bedfellows.
But threats…? A whole other bag of fish…
I pulled out my 44 magnum with a 7” barrel…packed with .225 grain hollow-point explosive rounds with napalm equipped….
Wait…that last part only flitted thru my brain
Like any other God fearing American that is bound by the laws of etiquette and non-vandalism, I pulled out another $3 and fed it into the treacherous bastard.
I started to reach for the selection buttons when the spinner clicked one full rotation. I watched in horror as my chili dogs cruised right by me….to the back of the machine…where it stopped.
There was a click somewhere in the machine. I heard a coin drop into the change slot at the bottom of the machine.
The card scanner light began to flash and beep, the display said “Please slide card”
I grabbed the dispenser door and tried to jerk any one of them open.
I had to have food, I needed sustenance…I had to have those sunza bitchin’ chili dogs and this fucker is gonna give them up!
“You son of a bitch!” I screamed at the Yankee spy…
I jerked on the doors, I tinkled the change bar, and I hit the side of the machine making the stuff inside bounce back and forth!
I was about to open a big ole can of whoop ass on this thieving piece of northern aggression!
“I’ll tip it over…” I thought with a flash of brilliance, instantly falling into the posture of Hercules and Diomedes.
I pushed and shoved, but to no avail.
Each support of the machine was bolted onto the floor.
This damn thing definitely had me by the balls.
I stepped back to gather up my strength and plan my next attack.
I prepared to summon all the magical powers of the universe, the voodoo heresies, the Ark of the Covenant, the Force, the ….
A quiet voice said “You need to punch the buttons for your selection…the doors open automatically”
I turned around and saw that the source of the voice was a young lady.
She was looking at a cell phone with that “Facebook” intensity.
She never looked at me. I’m just a human….
“Well, why didn’t you tell me before I started beating this thing to pieces?”
“I figured you could read” she said. (Momentary lapse of insanity causing an unfortunate death? I could beat the rap)
“I can read…” I replied with courtesy. “It’s just that I’m not used to these new fangled machines”
“Yeah…I bet you had a hard time with VCR’s when they first came out” the possible murder victim said snottily.
“Well…it shouldn’t have taken my money the second time then” I said with appropriate self-righteousness tainted with just a tad of bitch.
“Look by your right shoulder” she said “Mid-ways up”
There was a change dispenser with 3 gold dollar coins in it.
My face flushed red. I think I tinkled in my pants a little bit….
I scooped out the dollars and jammed them into my pocket…my hunger had waned.
“That’s a fucked up place to put a change thingee” I said with a tinge of wronged humor.
“Yeah…” the girl said “Those eye level things get me all the time too” she drug her thumb across the screen of the cell phone.
She still hadn’t looked up at me.
“I guess I won’t be having my chili dogs for breakfast then” I laughed lustily to show that I was extremely well hung…
Wait…that’s not what I meant….WELL HUMBLED is what I meant.
Anywho…the girl finally sighed and stood up. She put her phone onto the break room table. She walked across the room and brushed my arm roughly as she passed me, heading toward the machine of my contempt.
I don’t know what happened next…it was all kind of frame like and jerky. She had stopped in front of the machine, fished some keys from her pocket and opened the GOD-BLESSED machine……took out 2 packs of Chili Dogs and tossed them to me.
“Justifiable Homicide!” my brain screamed.
“I just couldn’t let you hurt my machine with your big strong man arms” she said sweetly…smiling at me.
We’re married now.
I’m a stay at home dad.
I get to leave the house on Thursdays between 2 and 7 pm.
Don’t call me either, I’m not supposed to use the phone