It all started when Tommy was very young.
The lies and deceit….
He didn’t know why God had sent him into a strange place with his Johnson hanging out for everyone to see but, he didn’t sweat it at the time.
But when some masked green dude flipped him upside down and slapped his ass crack, he DID sweat that.
“What the hell?!”
He screamed at the guy in Angel talk but, the dude obviously didn’t understand because next Tommy got something shoved down his throat and up his nose, flipped around some more, wiped down with a towel and then laid down on a freaking freezing metal table.
Tommy kicked and screamed at them “You dirty sunzabitches! Is this any way to welcome the new guy!?”
Well, there is no word for “sunzabitches” in Angel talk but, I am just trying to convey the distress that Tommy, the newest” guy on earth was feeling upon entry to this terrestrial plane.
He was not a happy camper.
No one up there had given him the 411 on what to really expect down here on earth.
“Go ahead, Tom…It’ll be fun…all kinds of stuff to do down there”
Lying bastard Angels…..
That’s what Tommy was thinking 3 ½ years later, now as he sat staring at his Ninja Turtle dinner plate at something Mommy was calling “brussel sprouts”….
Tommy shifted his gaze from the plate and looked at his Mommy.
She was looking back at him as she chewed with exaggerated gusto, her eyes were wide with feigned delight, nodding her head and going “Mmmmm”
Tommy stared at her blankly, giving nothing away with his expression.
He shifted his eyes toward his Dad.
His Dad was staring at his own plate, staring at his own sprouts.
Dad must have sensed Tommy watching him because he looked up at his veggie free son.
Tommy grinned and stared back at his Dad and thought “Get outta this, pop”
Dad’s eyes shifted toward Mommy.
Mommy was staring at Dad too; she was still chewing, nodding and going “Mmmm”
But Tommy noticed that her eyes were wider and the nodding was more insistent.
Dad stared at Mommy for a second or two.
Mommy completed the psychic transference of a death threat to Dad.
Dad received the mental download without much argument due to the fact that, I don’t really want to use a cliche’ here but, resistance was futile.
Dad looked back and down at his plate.
Tommy looked at Dads plate.
Dad’s fork was trembling a little.
Dad speared the sprout after a couple of tries because the intent was not genuine and the desire to do so was still in question.
Dad was the man after all, this was his damn house! He paid the damn bills up in this fool, DAMMIT!! He did what in the hell he damn well pleased!!
Tommy heard a slight bump under the table and Dad glanced at Mommy real fast like then back at the precariously speared sprout on his shaky fork.
Mommy was still looking at Daddy when she said to Tommy “If Daddy eats all of his veggies on his plate like a big boy he’ll get an extra special dessert later”
Mom winked and grinned at Dad….
He knew it….A conspiracy.
Dad did not acknowledge Mommy, just stared at the sprout.
Tommy stared at them, flitting his gaze back and forth between the two lying parents…
What were they up too…?
Tommy wanted a special dessert too but he wasn’t eatin’ this shit, no matter how much the old man and Mom acted like it was the greatest thing since free S&H green stamp day.
“A really, really extra special dessert….” Mommy continued saying as she lifted her own fork back up to her lying mouth and popped another sprout into it.
Tommy could have sworn that he saw his Moms eye twitch when she began to chew the sprout.
She wasn’t being sexy now…
“Mmmmm” she went.
Dad glanced at Mommy then back at his fork of death and slowly lifted it to his mouth.
“Do it old man” Tommy thought. “Eat it”
Dads lips trembled as they parted.
“Mmmm” hummed Mommy, shooting a look at Tommy to see if he was watching.
Tommy stared at his Daddy.
“Eat iitt, puppet boy” Tommy laughed in his mind.
The sprout disappeared.
The “MMMMMMM” got louder.
“He’s got balls” thought Tommy.
Dad was staring at his vacant fork, chewing slowly.
Tommy stared at his Dad “Cool, he’s gonna puke” he thought.
His Dad looked at him and actually went “Mmmmmm”
Tommy noticed that his Dads chewing and the “Mmmmm”ing were not in sync.
“Isn’t that good?” Mommy asked his slowly chewing Dad.
“MMMMM” said Dad a little louder, plus, he began to do that slow nodding too!
Tommy could feel the hate coming from his Dads eyes.
He knew that his Dad was thinking “I don’t give a shit if the little spaghettio eating bastard ever eats a brussel sprout, I pay the damn bills up in this fool!”
But the puppet man said nothing, only chewed.
Tommy stared back.
There was another quiet thump under the table and subsequent quick glances between the parents.
“Excellent” thought Tommy “It’s time to swallow”
Dad stopped chewing.
He took a deep breath through his nose, grinned slightly at his son and swallowed mightily….
Mommy clapped and cheered.
“Mmmmm” said Dad as a small tear formed at the corner of his eye.
“See?” said Mommy “They’re good for…” she stopped….
“Did you eat all of your sprouts, Tommy?!” she asked in amazement.
Dad quit chewing and swallowing and looked at his son’s plate in shock.
Tommy’s plate was void of brussel sprouts.
Tommy had stuffed them in his pockets as the parents had exchanged silent encouragement and overt threats to one another.
Tommy was doing a fake chewing thing as they both looked at him in awe.
He grinned at his Dad.
His Dad just stared at him, the small tear trickling down his cheek.
Tommy could feel a stare hole from his Dad begin to burn thru his forehead.
“You mean I just went thru that for nothing!” Dads mind screamed at his son.
Mommy left the staring match and table to go into the kitchen and make fussy, busseling, Mommy noises, then reappeared carrying a big piece of chocolate cake on a plate
She placed the slice in front of Dad and said “Here’s your extra special dessert, I promised you for being soo brave”
Dad stared at mommy for a second, then slowly got up from the table.
Tommy watched suspiciously as his Dad walked around the table to Tommy’s side.
Tommy’s Dad stood over him.
He was 52 feet tall….
He picked up his son, turned him upside down and shook him until all of the mashed up brussel sprouts fell out onto Mommy’s clean kitchen floor.
Dad sat Tommy back into his chair and turned to his wife and said “I was a boy too you know, I invented hiding veggies in my pockets”
Tommy was awe struck with awe…..
His Dad was an inventor!
His Mommy was a lying deceitful veggie pimp but, his Dad was on his side!
Dad picked up the bowl of sprouts, walked slowly to the dog and held it to his nose.
The dog grimaced and trotted to his corner and looked back at Dad with trepidatious horror…
“If a dog won’t eat it, we ain’t eating it” Dad said, indicating Tommy and himself as the “we”
He dumped the bowl of sprouts in the trash then placed the empty bowl in the sink.
Dad looked at Mommy, straightened his back, puffed out his chest, jutted his chin and strode from the kitchen.
A sigh of relief came from the dog corner.
Mom’s eye followed her husband’s gallant exit from the room, shiny with love and lust.
A REAL man.
Tommy had his hero, finally.
Tommy heard the TV come on….
‘Make me a sandwich, Woman!” screamed Dad from the living room
“G’damn brussel sprouts in my damn house…” dad muttered out loud, another act of defiance.
“Don’t push your luck, mister! Mom hollered back.
The TV volume increased, Dads went mute…
Mom hurried for the fridge and Tommy saw his chance…
“Make me some spaghettios, woman!”
It was the first time his mother had ever killed him in her mind.
“Zip it’ his Mommy said, making the zipping the mouth gesture.
Tommy zipped it and learned.
Here was the real hero….